Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and so before I blog (which I have failed miserably at lately) I want to talk to you about my grateful board and let you know some of the things I'm most grateful for.

My family every year has a small poster that my mom puts on the fridge and every day everyone puts something down they're grateful for. This year, since I live on my own I did this on my whiteboard and it's been great.

Here is a simple chunk of my grateful: "Chunk of trust", my family, the Gospel, french toast, tight sheets, hugs, summer sun tans, being barefoot, being healthy, living in this wonderful world.

Now onto what drove me to blog in the first place: love.

Isn't that what everyone talks about anyway. It's been on my mind a lot, especially after some discussion of my person life ("...you have lots of shallow, uncommited relationships."). It seems I don't quite know how to love and I have practiced over the week (which has been difficult).

I dont understand it, and I doubt I ever will. But I just wanted to inform you that I'm at least trying.

In closing I want to post this video which I thought was hillarious and this song ALWAYS gets stuck in my head (please watch Michael Buble's Just Haven't Met You Yet music video first so you can appriciate how great this is)

Anyways, I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving :)

Hello World,

I can't believe it's already September. School has started (taking an intro to anatomy class), working full time as an administrative assistant for my department at work, moved into a new home and gained/lost some people close to me. Its generally in the 80's every day now and it doesn't get very warm until later in the afternoon. I love it. This month has been beautiful so far.

I'm going to tell you a little about how I think about people in this blog and then leave you with two songs (I want to keep putting music up here).

I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason and that people come into your life at specific points in time to move and motivate you. I'm not quite a fatalist but I am extremely into the Law of Attraction and other things like that. For learning purposes. Even if the outcome in the moment seems bad (the person in my life exits negatively) there is always something you can learn from them. Always.

I recently met a friend again after a short hiatus and had let him know a few nights ago that we could not peruse a friendship. (which I'd also done recently with a whole group of people who are very dear to my heart and that was very difficult. See below blog post) I know, I know, saying, "We shouldn't be friends" does contradict what I said about learning things from people. I've acknowledged that now. It just took a couple of days. This man had decided that he was going to be my home teacher and would request to be it. I explained that this was going to upset my balance of life because-- as I said-- you meet people for reasons.

I really should just go with the flow a lot more. Really. There are a lot of things that I wish I were more open to. I've been thinking a lot about babies lately, I must be pretty baby hungry. It's been a weird couple of days but everything is great :)

ok, and as promised: Song Song song

livid.
I hate drugs.
I hate alcohol.
I hate mary.
I hate mali.
you suck.
suck it.

The two months of my life has been crazy. Good, bad, ugly. Right now I'm listening to "Shine on You Crazy Diamond" by Pink Floyd- and I'm crying. IM crying. Call me ignorant but I heard my dad play this song on guitar, and most noticeably this last year, I never knew it was Pink Floyd until a week ago when I was at my friend's home and he was playing a Pink Floyd concert. This was the first song I heard and I seriously almost cried there. Why. Really? I ask you. Maybe it was because so much of my life has changed for the good or .. I don't know. My life has changed.
I HAVE HAD SO MANY EXPERIENCES in the last eight weeks. I've learned that I have some serious trust issues and views on myself. I've been introduced to a whole different lifestyle than my own and it's changed me. It's pulled me by the scruff of my neck from one cage I was trapped in to a whole different area.Who knows if it was a release or what, I haven't sat back and analyzed it.
I wish I could tell everyone everything about my life and I can't. I can't because its so much every day. So many things. AH!


I talked to my friend about some serious stuff about my life, and I'll leave it at that, but it was amazing.


I have such a different viewpoint on people's lifestyles, and mainly one lifestyle that I thought I was familiar with but am experiencing in a new light. It's like...I don't even care to explain it to everyone. Trust me.


I still feel just as insecure and pointless as everyone else, we all feel that way, don't lie to yourself and say you don't feel insecure or that me feeling worthless is anything to be worried about. You're there too, I know it.


I feel like I'm going through some crucial "Diamond Making" moments in my life right now.


So much heat. So much pressure. So much discomfort. The end result is going to be freaking spectacular.


I was also in Mexico a short while ago, so beautiful. SO grateful I could go with my lovely family.


I need to buckle down.


Not a good candidate.


I want you to feel what I'm feeling so please listen to this, this, this, this, and this.

I love my life.
I love summer.
I was talking to my family about how lucky we are to be healthy- that none of us has ever been to the hospital before and never needed to.
I have all my fingers and toes.
I have food allergies but whatever, not even a big deal.
I have so many amazing friends
I have so many sleepless nights.
I have so many memories I've created.
I can't wait to see what else life has in store for me.

Today is officially the first day of summer and I need to write something other than that horrible entry below. I am amazingly blessed.

I'm listening to The Mars Volta. For those of you who have never listened to them, they remind me of being much younger. They remind me of drums and sweaty band rooms in garage attics. They remind me of longboarding and driving in jeeps without the top on. They remind me of laying in forts on top of grass hills and eating gummy worms with strangers who turn into friends. There are smells that I can breathe in my lungs and I swear to you I can feel the sun on my skin no matter where I am.

I'm also listening/playing the Beatles whenever I'm in my room. This is a big change of pace. I normally listen to rap and it's doing something for me to sit in my room at night and play guitar or walk barefoot in the sun.

I can't tell you how good this feels...

I wake up every morning and my heart is pounding so hard I can feel it throbbing in my chest. I am so high on life.

mania.

Do you know how good it feels to be understood?

I love life.

I'm high on life.

Bless you.

Sorry to take this down, I'm sorry, I really am. Skip this if you like but I just need to tell someone. SOMEONE that will listen.

I'm so sad. haha.

and I dont know why...

I don't know if its this weather
I don't know if its because I'm on academic probation
I don't know if its because I'm on probation because my priorities were wrong
I don't know if its because I dont know who my real friends are anymore
I don't know if its because I put too much pressure on myself
I don't know if its because my kitchen is messy
I don't know if its because of what I'm eating
I don't know if its because I'm constantly wondering if I'm being abandoned
I don't know if its because I've had this same sore throat for three straight weeks now
I don't know if it will go away if I keep pretending its not there

I can barely keep it in.

Got my hater-blockers on constantly.